Re-birth into what is Authentically Important to you
I’ve never shared something so personal as I’m about to share here with you now.
But I think it can be useful for you, exactly where you are, right now.
See, it’s Spring. Time for new beginnings. New Moon in Aries means time to re-birth what means the most to you. Time to stand passionately in what is true and real and motivating.
But, honestly, this new birth means nothing unless it comes from the raw authentic death/winter you have just passed through. So I’m going to share my encounter with death, and encourage you to look squarely in the eyes of what means the most to you, as you begin to move forward in this new season.
This is from my diary on Sept 23. It’s taken me 6 months to read it again, much less to share it, unedited, with you today.
***
Today, I found out my mom is dying. She’s in the same hospital where she birthed me 46 1/2 years ago.
She’s gaunt, but her eyes and face light up so bright when she smiles – which she did a lot even after the kind-eyed Doctor told her it was time to end treatment for her liver cancer and begin hospice.
She said she understood.
Yes hospice was a good idea.
She agreed we could keep her comfortable. That was good.
No more pain.
No more treatments.
Her next request?
Back rubs.
Back scratches.
(The solution to everything in our family)
She said she’d been having strange dreams – of kings and queens – royalty.
“Maybe it’s time to let us treat you as a Queen, Mom!”
“Yes maybe,” she said.
“Are you scared? Of Death?”
She clarified, “No, but I feel funny thinking this – I feel afraid of having Alzheimer’s like my mom did.” And she cried her terror – right on the surface – so honest.
I breathed with her.
“Well, Mom, you don’t have Alzheimer’s. So that’s good news.”
She smiled and laughed while still weeping in the remnants of her reverie of terror.
She was looking forward to seeing her mom.
She didn’t seem scared of death. In fact, she said, her fantasy activity now is just to feel cozy and sleep. She wants nothing else.
“Death is along those lines,” she smiled with her eyes and nodded.
Yes, I thought. She is truly ready.
She is so clear,
Bright and real.
Even as I sobbed, she held my eye contact and just loved me.
As always
My whole life
She loved me.
***
As I read this now, six months later, I feel the grief ripping through me with sobs and piles of tissues.
And I’m grateful.
Because this Grief is stripping away the BS. Like grief does.
This Grief, and this captured moment in my diary, are pointing me back to what’s important….
Tenderness. Loving Touch. Faith.
Family.
Receiving love as well as giving love.
Honesty.
Conviction to face my fears, and to laugh compassionately at my self-limitations.
Connecting with Spirit World as much as physical.
And moving forward into the grand unknown with conviction for the Highest Good.
Remembering this sobering gorgeous exquisitely painful time opens me to re-dedication to what’s most important.
And I’m sharing it with you so you might remember what’s most important to you too.
What will you still find important on your death bed?
I’d love to hear… Please comment below.
my mama passed five years ago, and reading your diary brought new tears to my own eyes.
what’s important? the people we love, and having our hands and feet in the earth. love you!!
I too am facing my dad in his last fights of cancer, we are not quite yet to hospice but as my once Big, Strong Dad is now just a wisp, asks for the transport chair rather than walk and just won’t eat I simply just hold his hand and let him be and choose whatever he wants. He just jokes that everything is great and fine. What matters is all the love we’ve shared and continue to share as we both witness each other on our journeys wherever they lead, even out of this world. Thank you for sharing and opening this dialogue. Blessings to you, Infinite Being, and what crazy possible goodness will come from all this?
To be perfectly honest, I don’t like to think about being on my deathbed. I just want to pass away in my sleep.
Lovely sharing. Thank you for the beautiful and profound personal moment. You were lucky to have such a great and wise mom. Bless you and her spirit! ?
Melissa, I am so sorry for your loss. I remind my clients that everything is spiritual in nature; that said, most everything is emotional in nature; and with that said, sometimes it’s exactly what it looks like: you skinned your knee and it hurts. Chronic illness is spiritual in nature. Mostly it’s a lesson for the one experiencing it firsthand to learn more about herself. Sometimes it’s a lesson for someone else to learn something from it. You did. That’s inspiring for the rest of us.
I honor you for sharing. I helped found and coordinate a conference for the past 5 years called Mountains of Courage- Dialogues with the Living about Death and Dying. Each year, there are deep conversations, revelations and profound moments of unexpected healing because people have the courage to share their stories. Thank you for sharing yours as a healing and as an invitation to others to re-assess what is real. Much love to you. You are such a gift to the planet…….
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
This touched my heart, Mellissa. So, my heart was compelled to share. Having been at the death bed of friends and family, Nothing would be as important as the lesson of receiving love and reflecting that love back to others. Thank you. ?
I’m reading this at 4.30 am on the morn of the New Moon, with tears flowing. This is a beautiful healing gift. Thank you for sharing, Dear Mellissa. xx Auntie S
Melissa, I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing. Now and when I’m on my deathbed, what I hope to do is bring healing and joy to those who will let me.